For Your Weary Soul

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In the midst of feeling as if in the pit of despair, the Lord lifted me up from the mud and placed my feet on solid ground ... (Psalm 40:2)

It has been exactly three days since I received a disheartening diagnosis regarding my mental health. I had a telehealth appointment on Saturday with a psychiatric nurse, and just the sound of it made me feel uneasy. I woke up that morning not knowing what to think. I combed my hair and drank some water; it was already too late to take a shower. I decided to put on a sweater, as the warmth helps me regulate my emotions and feel safe, and I logged it to take the call.

The appointment was fast, and she was very sweet. I had already taken some evaluations the day before, and as she reviewed them, she said the words that I had been fearing: “You tested positive for severe anxiety, severe depression, and PTSD”…. and then the next words felt even more discouraging: “Yes, you need to take medication.” The call ended, and I just remembered crying and thinking, “How did I get here?” I cried because I knew the answer to this question: relational conflict and dysfunction.

I think that, looking back, I haven’t felt this hopeless, weary, and lost in a long time. I felt a heavy burden on my forehead and shoulders. “How can you live like that?” I would ask myself. Immediately, the answer would come, “You don’t.” That was true. I was surviving every. single. day. Trying to take care of my son and myself as best as I could.

But God.

God has a special way of calling us near him. I was desperate for him and deeply angry with him. I couldn’t pray or acknowledge my need for him. The despair was  too much to handle, and I would often find myself wondering “Why?” “It’s been too much these past few years?” “What are you doing?” “Are you trying to destroy me?” Those were my honest thoughts.

Sunday came, and I couldn’t be more disheartened and grieved about the whole situation. I remembered after church that my husband and I were going to have lunch with our friends, and he said: “You seemed more depressed since they told you that you were struggling with depression.” I thought about it, and I replied, “I think that I was just trying to hold it all together inside of me, and I can’t anymore.” We didn’t speak for the rest of the car ride. Sunday was easier, but I was dreading Monday. I had to do it all by myself again. My husband worked on Monday.

I opened my eyes on Monday, realizing that I actually just wanted to keep them closed. If it were up to me, I would have stayed in bed all day. My husband called me to breakfast, and I reluctantly went. I sat down at the table and looked at the food. I couldn’t eat it. I looked at the toast, and it looked more edible. I had some toast and drank some tea, and off I went to set up my son’s bath. I was lacking strength. I was so tired. Bed seemed the answer. I took care of my son and put him down for a nap. I remember my sister-in-law had texted me the night before, encouraging me to go out with her, but if it was up to me, I just wanted to stay home in my PJs.  

She eventually came home, and we had a lovely time, but as the afternoon progressed, I noticed that the anxiety did, too. It was already 10:00 pm, and my husband was already in bed, so I decided to go to bed too. However, the anxiety was really bad; I recognized the feeling immediately. It was not new to me; I had struggled with severe anxiety before, the first year of our marriage. God miraculously healed me, but the idea of struggling with it again made my heart sink even more.

I went to bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I felt jumpy and uneasy. I gave in; I decided to do what I knew would bring true relief to my heart. Go to God.

I was desperate for some relief; anxiety can be very damaging and disconcerting. Slowly, I began to surrender those heavy burdens that I was carrying. The pain of rejection, the issues in my marriage, my health, my future, my career, my family, my son, our finances, and slowly the anxiety began to lose its power. It was then, amid all these, surrendering and trusting that the Lord spoke, but before I share what He shared with me. I want you to know that we weren’t meant to carry our lives alone. We need God to help us do just that. His burden is truly light.

I also wanted to share with you that there was a lot of fear around taking medication for my mental health. But I’ve come to realize that I cannot heal by myself, and that medication should be taken when needed. I bravely took my first pill this morning. I’m entrusting God with this process too; He is in control even of this medication and its effects. I trust Him.

There is something really special when the Lord speaks. We are healed. We are reassured of who we are in Him. We are reminded how much He loves us, and God, well, He did just that last night. I had a special encounter that lifted the heaviness from my body, my forehead, and my shoulders, and sister, I wanted to share it with you because you are also deeply valuable to God.

I truly believe that this reflection that He gave me is for you and me. Enjoy, dear sister.

As I was having a beautiful time with the Lord, I heard the word.

“Surrender”

Sweetheart, you’ve been battling on your strength for so long. You have been carrying a heavy burden all by yourself for so long. It’s time to let go and give it to God. It’s time to trust Him and walk in the freedom that He has for you. It’s time to stand up in faith and trust that He’s walking before you, that He’s in control of your health, that He knows your heart. It’s time to trust that He is carrying you in His arms, close to His heart.

It’s time to rest and know that He, the God who created the Universe, cares and is in control of your life, of your baby’s life.

It’s time to surrender. Surrender your will and accept His. True rest comes when we surrender. When we stop striving to have it all together. When we realize that without Him we are nothing.

True rest is found in Jesus. Other things are just added. Rest in His safe arms, knowing that you are deeply loved. Rest knowing that His paths are good. Rest knowing that He knows your heart. Rest knowing that your finances are in His hands. Rest knowing that your and your family's health is in His hands. Rest knowing that He’s got you. He’s got you like a tender Shepherd who loves His sheep and lays down His life for them. Rest knowing God’s purpose and calling over your life are shining brighter than ever. Rest knowing that when you feel lost, He’s already found you and pointed you in the right direction. Rest knowing that He’s with you, always. Rest knowing that the same God who rescued you from the pit of despair is holding you and carrying you through today.

You are so, so loved. Rest tonight knowing that you are His. His beloved daughter whom He died for to give you life, light, and freedom.

Rest in Him. He’s got you. That’s God’s heart for you. Ponder this truth, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

He makes all things new.

He renews your hope.

He can transform your heart into a beautiful garden.

With love,

Juanita

Let's Continue to Walk Together

You’re warmly invited to gather with us Weary Moms At The Well., a community for mothers seeking refreshment, community, and connection with the loving Shepherd. We meet weekly for prayer and a devotional continued conversation throughout the week.

I would be honored to walk with you as you shine the light of Jesus through right where you are!

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